Taking the Pys

This page is dedicated to the lighter side of IO Psychology. Please forward any contributions for the stress relief of all!


What is the difference between a tick and a consultant?
A tick falls off you when you die.

Why does the law prohibit sex between consultants and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 consultants are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead consultant in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a consultant?
A Doberman.

Why are consultants like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of consultants on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a consultant. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the consultant...Twice.

What do you call 20 consultants skydiving from an airplane?

If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest consultant and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk of course: the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter...(How cold was it?)...
that I saw a consultant with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a consultant's office and inquired about the consultant's
rates. $500 for three questions." replied the consultant.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes." the consultant replied "and what was your third question?"

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over consultants he would see
walking down the side of the road. Everytime he would see a consultant walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest: "Where are you going Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road." replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a consultant walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away,
narrowly missing the consultant. However even though he was certain he missed the consultant, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said:

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that consultant."
"That's OK" the priest replied "I got him with the door!"

Consultant Top 10

Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client

10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
8. Hey, I just realised that I was in junior high when you started working here.
7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.
6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
4. So what do you need me to tell you?
3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.
1. What are you, stupid?

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

10. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
9. Do you pay overtime?
8. I hate flying.
7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.
2. Two words: family first.
1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period".
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.
2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".

Top Ten Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug

10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.

Are you a prostitute or a consultant?

1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
16. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
17. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
18. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
19. Even though you might get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
20. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
21. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.


I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.

I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."